Confessions of an ADHD-fueled technologi…. 🐿️!
How many of you are introverts? How many wish you could just tell people to go away, and leave you alone, and let you just do your own thing?
How do you do it? Because that’s not me. Like, at all. Not even in the slightest. I mean, sure there are moments, but those are when I dropping the squirrels off at the pool! Otherwise,
Jeremy Meiss
DevRel & Community professional
Open to work
We’re going to go on a journey, and since the organizers told me I could talk as long as I wanted, we’re in this together until the end!
I think Dani Donovan accurately represented what you all are about to experience. I’m gonna bounce around here with different stories and hopefully arrive at a point, but this is an ADHD talk, so what did you expect?
Image: PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay
Now I do need to make this disclaimer before going any further… I am not a doctor. What I am going to share are my own personal experiences, and your mileage may well vary.
Image: Spreadshirt.com
Covid sucked. In so many ways, but that first year, geez did it suck: being stuck at home, couldn’t really go anywhere, and if you did, you were supposed to keep 6 feet between you and the next human at all times.
Image: Brilliant & Company, Medium post
The only real contact was with people you requested to come to your home to drop food off, until the apps created that “no contact mode”, which meant you didn’t have to deal with that awkward moment of receiving your groceries from someone you didn’t know. I know, I’m probably describing an introvert’s heaven. But that was so not me. I thrive when I’m around people. Let me tell you a bit about me.
I am a child of the mid-70s. That means, I grew up knowing about (and using) all of these things. It just seemed that for me, and many of my generation, that we took to technology so easily.
There wasn’t a lot I could focus on, but reading - man that was something I could do for hours, and days, on end. I read everything I could get my hands on.
Image: @80sSportsNStuff on Twitter
In 1984 Pizza Hut started this summer reading campaign called BOOK IT where you would read a certain number of books and then get a free personal pan pizza. I ate so much pizza that year, and many summers after. I’m not saying that Pizza Hut ignited my desire to read, but I’m not not saying it either.
Image: Freepik.com
Some of my earliest memories was going to the library to check out books. In a laundry basket. Every two weeks. Full. I have yet to this day seen so many librarians get so happy at the same time, much less fight over who got to check us out.
Image: Alamy
Computers. That was another thing I could mess around with for hours on end. My choices of books started taking on things like:
© 1977 Radio Shack
Hobby Computer Handbook, Fall/Winter 1979 and 1980 editions
Image: Goldberg, Adele (December 1983). Smalltalk-80: The Language and its Implementation. Addison-Wesley. ISBN 978-0-201-11371-6.
Lotus 1/2/3 for the IBM PC, Plume, 1984
Riveting stuff, amirite?
I was hooked and messed around with them as often as I could, wherever I could. In the early 1980s my uncle worked for a company that provided IT services to the US Government in the early 80s, and let me mess around and borrow these just about as often as I wanted.
Image: Kaypro II, Wikipedia Commons
Kaypro II
2.5 MHz Zilog Z80 CPU
64KB RAM
2 single-sided 180KB 5¼-inch floppies
80-column, green monochrome 9" CRT
These Kaypro's were pretty cool with their dual single-sided floppy drives, where one ran the OS and the other ran the application.
Image: Computing History Org, UK
Compaq Portable Plus
4.7 MHz 8088 CPU
128KB RAM
1 double-sided 360KB 5¼-inch floppy
10MB MFM hard drive
9" green monochrome CRT
DOS 2.0
Keyboard attaches to the top
Weight: 28 pounds
This Compaq Portable Plus was an even cooler machine, and at 28 pounds was truly portable. It had a handle on the top, and the keyboard attached to the top of the machine.
Image: © Computerworld Dec 1983
I eventually was privileged to get a computer from that same uncle, that had previously been thrown out by the Government,
Image: Higher Rock Education
because each year they had to replace things or else they wouldn’t get the budget renewed. So, since he worked for a government IT contractor, he just started stockpiling these “old”, thrown out machines, and gave me one like this
Image: IBM PC XT, Wikimedia
IBM PC XT
4.7 MHz Intel 8088 CPU
128KB-640KB RAM
1 double-sided 360KB 5¼-inch floppy
10-20MB MFM/RLL hard drive
MDA / CGA graphics
DOS 2.0-3.20, various others
External peripheral connectivity
PC speaker, 1-channel sound
Weight: 32 pounds
...in the mid 1980s. It weighed 32lb, so that Compaq Portable Plus truly was portable. That love for computers, and trying everything I would read, led me to start typing things in without really reading the rest of the book. I would just type odd commands in that I found in the book _just_to see what was going to happen.
It’s gonna make you have to say, “So, mom and dad. The computer isn’t working right now, but don’t worry. I know why. I’ll just be downstairs for the next few hours putting some files back on the computer.” But who I was I kidding? It took over a day, because everything was on 5.25” disks, installing DOS 3 back onto an 20MB MFM RLL drive. But, I sure as hell didn’t do that again. Until Slackware Linux and the great rm -rf command.
Image: iStockPhoto
Prior to the summer of 1984, I had been going to a private school, but in 4th grade my parents took me and my sister (2 years younger than me) out and started homeschooling us. The stated reason at the time was that they felt it was their responsibility as parents to teach us - it was a religious-based decision.
Image: Advenium
Later in life when I was in my late 20s, I would come to find out that the contributing factor to them beginning to explore options was because I was struggling to focus, a bit hyper, trouble making friends, and getting picked on due to all of those. Those were all symptoms.
There was this one story that I kept repeating later in life that stood out as an early memory, which was one of the last ones at that school. And no, it’s not the story of my first kiss in 3rd grade with Heather at the high school basketball game (this private school was K-12), and then immediately afterwards her getting her head stuck in the bars overlooking the court. Those two facts have nothing to do with each other.
Image: Springfield/South County Youth
No, it’s the story of the first half of my 3rd grade year when we would play kickball at recess, and me and these 5 other guys were always a team. And we would always win, even beating teams of older elementary kids. Every recess.
Image: iStockPhoto
And then after Winter break, suddenly I was told I wasn’t on their team, had never been on their team, and why would they have me, a kid with glasses, on their kickball team? I was devastated. And this repeated itself for weeks, until I finally stopped asking. And found something else to play. How many of you ever tried playing tetherball by yourself?
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD then, because this was the early 80s, and my parents firmly believed that ADHD wasn’t real, and was just an excuse for parents not to spend time with their kids and to shut them up so they could go work two jobs in order to afford a living.
Image: Wikipedia
So they started homeschooling me. Which dovetailed nicely with my obsession with tech and computers and reading and I excelled in that structure. Again, symptoms and attempted mitigation.
Ok, back to Covid.
Image: Jeremy & Wife's tent, Cold Springs Campground, Colorado 2016
Ok, back to Covid. After over a year in lockdowns, a few of my buddies and I decided we needed to get away and were going to drive to Colorado and camp for 3 nights or so in early May of 2021.
Image: Tara Winstead, Pexels
Oh. So before that though, my mental state had been getting progressively worse - I know, some of you have only known me for the last year or so. You’re getting a completely different side of me after medication. There are some of you blessed to have known the pre-medicated Jeremy.
Image: Medscape.com
So where was I? Oh yeah, camping in Colorado and my mental state. No, before that, to the beginning of my talk. Ok. So Covid really did a number on so many people, in various ways. During that first year of Covid lockdowns, many people I know, oddly a lot of them in DevRel, found out and started posting that they had gotten diagnosed with ADHD and were in therapy,
and I was so excited and happy for them that they had found that! I also said to myself, “It’s really odd that I’m not like them, isn’t it?”
So where were we? Oh yeah -
my worsening mental state. I had begun noticing that I was more irritable with my family (well they informed me I was), I was losing my trains of thought, finding it really hard to focus, and even not being able to find the words to say something even though it was right there on the tip of my tongue .
Finally, I got concerned, and went to my doctor in May of 2021. I told her what I was experiencing, and she of course mentioned it could be any number of things, but they would do some blood tests and then go from there. I heard back from the doctor later that day as I was finalizing my camping trip to Colorado.
Lab test
May 2021
Ref Range
RBCRed blood count
4 (4.5-6.5)
WBCWhite blood count
3.7 (4-11)
MCV
71 (81-99)
MCHC
27 (30-36)
MCH
19 (27-34)
Hgb
7.7 (13.5-18)
Hct
28% (40-52%)
Iron sat
3% (15-50%)
Iron
17 (59-158)
The nurse gave me these results, and then told me I had iron-deficiency anemia, to get on high doses of Iron, and come in for some more tests in a few days to then identify next steps. Now, again, I’m not a doctor, but I do know now that these results were not good. Like at all. Red blood cells carry hemoglobin which carries oxygen in the blood, and dictate how much oxygen your body tissue gets. WBC help your immune system fight infection. All of which are only slightly important during a certain pandemic.
Image: Crazy Dog T-Shirts
So I told the nurse, “Ok. Good to know. So I’m leaving for a camping trip in the mountains of Colorado, and will be gone. Can we wait a week?” And her response, almost verbatim, was, “You should not go to Colorado. You will end up in the hospital.”
Image: Jeremy at Alice-Toxaway Divide, Idaho, 2023.
Now let me tell you about me and mountains. They are my happy place. I grew up in the flatlands (Kansas), and my only experience with “mountains” was the Appalachians and the Great Smoky Mountains in the East. I never saw real mountains in person, and really never traveled further west than Sydney, NE, until 1998 when I traveled with some friends to a college conference in Denver, Colorado.
I was in complete, and total awe. I was hooked. Over the last 25 years
I’ve traveled West more than East, and seen more mountains than I had previously thought possible, hiked quite a few,
Image: Jeremy and Wife, Mount Elbert, CO, 14,439 feet.
and even had the privilege of hiking the highest mountain in the American Rockies, Mount Elbert, outside Leadville, Colorado with my wife. I’ve probably taken more pictures of mountains than people in the last 10 to 15 years, or at least my pictures have a lot more mountains in them than not.
Image: Mount Rainier, Washington
I even got emotional in October 2021 when I flew over mountains, and could see them from the plane, for the first time since February 2020.
So back to the call with the nurse:
I was in shock. I had been planning this mountain camping trip with my buddies for months, and was literally leaving in a few days. After just over a year of dealing with isolation, my mental challenges, and all the things, a trip to the mountains was exactly what I needed. And I was getting denied that. After getting off the phone, I sat dumbfounded for a few moments, and then I cried. Not like a few tears - it was a heaving, draining cry. I was devastated.
Image: Jeremy's hammock tent, Ozarks, May 2021
Luckily, my friends were understanding, and suggested we go to the Ozarks in northwest Arkansas instead, and still make the most of it. I was thankful for that, and it definitely helped, but it wasn’t the same. I mean, come on. Who wants this….
Image: Camping at Toxaway Lake, Idaho, July 2023.
When you can have this!?
After returning from camping, my doctor referred me to a plethora of specialists
Jeremy's "-gists"
Urologist
Neurologist
Neuropsychologist
Gastroenterologist
Hematologist
Oncologist
Geologist
Image: HealthTimes
I had blood drawn multiple times, was poked, prodded, got an endoscopy AND a colonoscopy at the same time (because I’m a ROCK STAR - you get the “geologist” joke now?), and all sorts of other tests to figure out what was wrong because there had to be a bleed somewhere to explain those test results. But there wasn’t.
I didn’t have any of the symptoms that normally came from severe iron-deficiency anemia. So the only thing was to continue consuming vast quantities of iron supplements and wait for the results to go up,
Lab test
May 2021
Ref Range
Apr 2023
RBCRed blood count
4 (4.5-6.5)
5.29
WBCWhite blood count
3.7 (4-11)
5.74
MCV
71 (81-99)
89
MCHC
27 (30-36)
33.3
MCH
19 (27-34)
29.7
Hgb
7.7 (13.5-18)
15.7
Hct
28% (40-52%)
47.1%
Iron sat
3% (15-50%)
28%
Iron
17 (59-158)
120
Now after a few months I was able to get all of these levels up, and they’ve stayed up. And the next step was to wait to get into the neuropsychologist.
Eventually I did get a meeting with the neuropsychologist, after about a 6 month wait, and took the tests, and after about a month I came back in and was informed that yes, I did have ADHD, and that I likely was undiagnosed as a child.
ADHD
a mental condition, beginning in childhood and often persisting into later life, that is characterized by persistent difficulty in maintaining attention and concentration, and is frequently accompanied by hyperactive and impulsive behavior.
-CDC
The definition from the CDC is that ADHD is a mental condition characterized by persistent difficulty in maintaining attention and concentration, and is frequently accompanied by hyperactive and impulsive behavior. It’s a condition that affects how different brain areas develop and work together. ADHD starts in childhood, but many people don’t get this diagnosis until they’re teenagers or adults.
Image: Tara Winstead, Pexels
People who have ADHD are neurodivergent. That means their brains develop and work differently than people who are neurotypical (which means their brains developed and work as expected).
The symptoms of ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) revolve around an issue called executive dysfunction. Executive functions help you manage focus, concentration, emotional regulation, impulse control and self-motivation.
3 Subtypes of ADHD
Inattentive
Hyperactive/Impulsive
Mixed
Source: Psychiatry.org
There are three subtypes of ADHD: inattentive, hyperactive/impulsive and mixed. Women aren’t as likely to have hyperactive/impulsive symptoms. That means they’re less likely to have the hyperactive/impulsive or mixed subtypes. Women are more likely to receive this diagnosis as adults.
Cis Women often underdiagnosed
Symptom types: easier to notice hyperactivity and impulsivenessBias: since more common in Cis males, not often looked at for Cis womenLess available research: with ≠ sample sizes, AFAB rarely includedInattention symptoms occur later: seen in structured environments, i.e. collegeSource: CHADD.org, Healthline.com Included courtesy of Floor Drees, @DevOpsBarbie
With more common symptoms more visible in men/boys, they get diagnosed more often. And those behaviors are often considered more socially acceptable for them, and so women suppress or hide theirs to fit in better, and don’t get diagnosed. Bias:
Research: We know most studies don’t take equal sample sizes, if they include those Assigned Feminine at Birth at all.
Inattention symptoms in females with ADHD are more likely to occur in structured educational environments, such as college, which may delay the diagnosis.
Cis Women less likely to outgrow
60% vs 30% have ADHD continuing into adulthood
People who “outgrow” usually still have symptoms
Source: NIH.gov, PsychCentral.com Included courtesy of Floor Drees, @DevOpsBarbie
Women are less likely to outgrow ADHD. About 60% of women have ADHD that continues into adulthood, compared with about 30% of men. People who “outgrow” it usually still have some symptoms, but the symptoms eventually aren’t severe enough to meet the criteria for diagnosis.
Cis Males/Females different comorbidity patterns
comorbidity is when another condition occurs alongside another
Cis Males: Externalizing
Cis Females: Internalizing
substance misuse
conduct disorders
antisocial personality disorders
anxiety
depression
somatic symptom disorders
eating disorders
Source: Medical News Today
Included courtesy of Floor Drees, @DevOpsBarbie
Males and females also show different patterns of comorbidity, which is when another condition occurs alongside ADHD.
Males are more likely to have externalizing disorders, such as:
females are more likely to have internalizing disorders, such as:
Quantitative assessments still focus on external behaviors that interfere with other people. But most women struggle with an internalized sense of impairment that affects their sense of self and qualitative life management skills. Men generally lack this sense of impairment, and automatically assume they’re doing just fine
Anxiety & Mood disorders often misdiagnosis for Cis Women
As a result, Cis women with ADHD often are distracted from own self-care
Postpone checkups and procedures
Function with serious sleep deficits
Inconsistent eating patterns can result in complications
Chronically stressed, may turn to Rx to manage other symptoms of:
anxiety
mood disorders
sleep
pain
OR, may self-medicate with alcohol or drugs
Source: WebMD, NIH.gov, ADDitudemag.com
My diagnosis of course wasn’t a surprise, because as I mentioned before, to my parents, ADHD was a myth and just an attempt by “big-pharma” to make lots of money and get people addicted (this same excuse and faulty reasoning would surface many times from them whenever their Facebook doctor/nurse/“scientist”/etc. had something to sell, or a global pandemic was on the loose, etc.).
Image: ThoughtCo
But also, given I was homeschooled for someone with ADHD, the short classes, no homework, context switching, and time to either go outside or later get a job was a dream. The accommodations were baked in! Even my first few jobs were perfect for my neurodiverse brain.
Image: Maria Orlova, Pexels
For example, i remember fondly working at a bakery where I got to chat with a lot of senior citizens (the bakery was in an older, wealthy neighborhood) who were just thrilled to have someone express interest in the stories from back in the day. I loved hearing tales of the wagons going west, hot gossip from the neighborhood a which included things like how it was rumored the Donner party ate just a little too much for their own good.
Where was I. Oh right. ADHD diagnosis. It made sense looking back at my life. I was elated to get my diagnosis,
and also received a lot of this type of response:
The doctor suggested that I would benefit from some medication, and to get with my primary doctor to identify what would work best. I did, and the results were almost immediate.
“THIS is how I’m supposed to feel? This iw what a functional brain feels like? This is what being able to focus on something is supposed to look like? THIS is how all the normies function?”
But that wasn’t enough. As I adjusted to the medication, along with work and life and such, I had to start all over with understanding how I functioned. I found myself being able to shift easily between different tasks as needed (which I always could - probably too easily), and then REMEMBERING to come back to the previous task (a NEW thing for me). However this also heightened my propensity to overwork and not take the breaks necessary. I started to understand , and learn to accept, that some of my shortcomings weren’t all my fault, and also that the diagnosis is an explanation not an excuse.
Embracing my ADHD
Explained _some_ of my shortcomings, but not an excuse
Understanding how my brain works
Accept the scattered thinking, and seek creative and problem-solving
Step into inherent “context-switching” that tech & DevRel requires
You understand how your own mind works: Generally, people with ADHD often excel when taking a “birds eye view” and analyzing potential “what-if’s” and hypotheticals, but also sometimes to a detriment when they become tangents.
With so much incoming data, it is hard to focus on one thing in particular. But, it enables divergent thinking, filled with creativity and problem solving abilities.
I also started going to therapy, which was an important thing for me to start to process and understand how my way of thinking and working (and also how my lack of thinking, working, and coping since 2020) was affecting me and those around me and my relationships with my family, my wife and kids. And to also understand deep down how that experience of being excluded in kickball, and then ripped away from what I knew without any explanation, had shaped me. And how I approached many different situations and communities and relationships with this thought
Therapy has been a really good resource for me, helping me dig into all of this and identify ways that work for me to get things done and interact and communicate better with those around me. My therapist also introduced me into the idea of practicing mindfulness. Here’s the description from the Mayo Clinic:
Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.
-The Mayo Clinic
Spending too much time planning, problem-solving, daydreaming, or thinking negative or random thoughts can be draining. It can also make you more likely to experience stress, anxiety and symptoms of depression. Practicing mindfulness exercises can help you direct your attention away from this kind of thinking and engage with the world around you.
It helped identify one of the biggest triggers for me around my ADHD, and maybe this is for you as well. Whenever I would start to feel anxious, or out of control with what was going on around me, or overwhelmed with tasks, etc. I would start to feel a bit off in my body. It’s hard to describe, but just a feeling of “ugh” and my heart rate kind of spiking, etc.
He helped me to start to recognize when that happened and to identify what I was feeling, what was going on around me, etc. and then to turn that into taking a few moments to breathe. Write down what I was doing, or needed to be done. Go walk around. Get a glass of water. Anything to break up that spiraling moment, and then move forward.
I say all this because…
1. Cut yourself some slack.
I say all this because…
1. Cut yourself some slack.
2. Be open and tell your story.
3. ADHD doesn’t have to hold you back.
So I tell all of this to you, for the following reasons.
There are some really great resources around how ADHD can be an asset
StackOverflow, earlier this year, published an article around that very thing, the link will be in the slides I’ll post later
They even did a podcast with one of our speakers from yesterday afternoon, Ceora Ford, and a good friend of mine, Westley Faulkner
I say all this because…
1. Cut yourself some slack.
2. Be open and tell your story.
3. ADHD doesn’t have to hold you back.
4. Talk to someone. Get help.
5. There are resources available.
I also asked a few weeks ago for people to share their own experiences and tips and resources on their ADHD journey. Interestingly enough, most of them were diagnosed later in life. Here is what they shared:
Floor brings up that adult-diagnosed ADHD means you have coping mechanisms… build on them. For her she uses lists, and knitting. There’s something about doing something with your hands.
Kayla mentions Therapy as the biggest help for her, being fluid with where you’re currently at, and using the Superhuman email app.
Tim Banks mentions using Pomodoro timers, which if you’re not familiar,
Pomodoro technique
..a time management method developed by Francesco Cirillo in the late 1980s. It uses a kitchen timer to break work into intervals, typically 25 minutes in length, separated by short breaks.
-Wikipedia
Both Scott and Hannele (“Honnelay”) reference lists, and just following your nose, doing the task that’s directly in front of you
Shon brings up that good ol’ pen and paper are essential for him, and using DND on his phone to minimize distractions, and using sticky notes.
Rich mentions having a coach who helps motivate and keep him accountable, and helps analyze different perspectives. He also identifies the “shiny thing” syndrome, and using that to his advantage.
Hannele (“Honnelay”) had some more with embracing temporary habits, don’t stress on streaks. Stick with what you’re doing while it works, and don’t try to force it. Also mentioned using lists, and even prep for the next day, but it’s OK to not do everything.
Cass uses a planner and decorates it so that it truly is hers and her personality, and brings in ownership - and makes it fun. And then she blocks out time to focus, and makes sure to focus on what’s on her to-do list.
My good friend Halcyon uses lists to break through the paralysis of figuring out what to do and avoiding procrastination, and removes distractions from around him which he knows will get in the way of being productive (which explains why he seems to disappear when I’m around….)
John makes a very good point here that just taking pills is not going to help you, it’s important to build your skills. The resources I listed can get you started.
Erin has a number of things she uses, like occupational therapy to help with routines and ways of working, medication, paper and planners, embracing the sweet sound of the alarm, and utilize the calendar for everything!
Hussein brings up that it’s ok to embrace those “sprints” of hen you get super, hyper focused. Do what you can in that moment, and then move on. Don’t view it as a waste.
Quick Review
1. Cut yourself some slack.
2. Be open and tell your story.
3. ADHD doesn’t have to hold you back.
4. Talk to someone. Get help.
5. There are resources available.
Special Thanks
Stories shared on Twitter
Provided content & feedback
Thank You.
/in/jeremymeiss
@IAmJerdog
@jerdog
@jerdog@hachyderm.io
{.r-stretch}
/in/jeremymeiss
@IAmJerdog
@jerdog
@jerdog@hachyderm.io